Eurovision 2013 Superlatives

The Eurovision Song Contest is over for 2013, but we like to keep its spirit going a little longer by handing out awards to all of the acts that participated in the Final. We were tempted to expand the Superlatives out to the Semis so we could give Israel the Donny Montell award for best use of a Bedazzler. But considering we were giving out awards to 26 countries and spent hours agonizing over what to give Romania, we thought it was best to stick with the finalists.

  • Best song cut from Chess: the new Eurovision anthem “We Write the Story”
  • The annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: the Swedish producers (Amandine Bourgeois – “L’enfer et moi”)
  • Most expressive eyebrows: Lithuania (Andrius Pojavis – “Something”)
  • Most comprehensive representation of Earth’s four core elements: Moldova (Aliona Moon – “O mie”)
  • Greatest paragon of restraint and subtlety: Finland (Krista Siegfrids – “Marry Me”)
  • Worst act to inspire Spain: Dervish, Eurovision 2007 (ESDM – “Contigo hasta el final”)
  • Best post-performance celebration: Belgium (Roberto Bellarosa – “Love Kills”)
  • Best use of a shower curtain: Birgit’s dress, Estonia (Birgit – “Et uus saaks alguse”)
  • Best choreography you can try at home: Belarus (Alyona Lanskaya – “Solayoh”)
  • Best musical representation of the premise to the sitcom Dharma & Greg: Malta (Gianluca – “Tomorrow”)
  • Ballsiest performance: Russia (Dina Garipova – “What If”)
We decided to avoid the Rovers reference

We decided to avoid the Rovers reference

  • #MILFiest performance (or if you watched on BBC One, #M***iest performance): Natalie Horler of Cascada, Germany (Cascada – “Glorious”)
  • Best voguing: Armenia (Dorians – “Lonely Planet”)
Strike a pose

Strike a pose

  • Best musical representation of the plot to an Alfred Hitchcock movie: Netherlands (Anouk – “Birds”)
  • The first annual Cezar award for the performance that left us speechless: Romania (Cezar – “It’s My Life”)
  • Best Journey to the Heaviside Layer: United Kingdom (Bonnie Tyler – “Believe in Me”)
  • Song Luke Skywalker is most likely to sing to Obi-Wan Kenobi: Sweden (see, because the costumes make them look like they’re on Tattooine… okay, it’s a stretch) (Robin Stjernberg – “You”)
  • Most sensitive hipster: Hungary (ByeAlex – “Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix)”)
  • Best synthesis of Eurovision tropes (tin whistle, drums, bare feet, Azerbaijani shower, confetti, socially conscious lyrics): Denmark – no wind machine, but you don’t want to blow confetti into fireworks showers (Emmelie de Forest – “Only Teardrops”)
  • Best Viking Jesus: Iceland (Eythor Ingi – “Ég á líf”)

    Dreamy, Dreamy Thor

    Dreamy, Dreamy Thor

  • The Kseniya Simonova award for best use of a gimmick to distract you from a mediocre song: Azerbaijan (Farid Mammadov – “Hold Me”)
  • Song we’re most thrilled our four-year-old likes to sing at school: Greece (Koza Mostra feat. Agathon Iakovidis – “Alcohol Is Free”)
  • Best song cut from Wicked: Ukraine (Zlata Ognevich – “Gravity”)
  • Most likely to boil down a Eurovision performance to its essentials: Italy (Marco Mengoni – “L’essenziale”)
  • Best future Bond movie theme: Norway (Margaret Berger – “I Feed You My Love”)
  • Biggest Eurogasm: Georgia (Nodi Tatishvili and Sophie Gelovani – “Waterfall”)
  • Andy Abraham award for entry least deserving of its fate: Ireland (Ryan Dolan – “Only Love Survives”)
  • Worst Graham Norton prediction: “There must be some nervous people in Ireland, because that could win.”
  • Most damage to his Eurovision legacy: Eric Saade #awkward
  • Most likely to get there, popular: Denmark