Highlights from 2014

Since last we’ve written on this blog, we have listened to Twin Twin’s “Moustache” at least 40 times, because our five-year-old son Kieran loves it. We know it was at least 40 times because he was keeping track of how many times we would need to listen to “Moustache” in order for it to be his favorite song ever (replacing “Boonika Bate Doba”). We started at 100 times and counted down to 60, but we also listened to the song a lot before he started to count. A lot.

Kieran has also regaled us with entries from all 24 parts of Super Mario Brothers Eurovision. These have included “Ninety” (sung by Mario as the front singer and Baby Mario and Baby Luigi as the back-up singers), “Mushroom Boy” (sung by Toad, obviously, with Luigi as back-up), “Toilet” (sung by Bowser; it finished last in Super Mario Brothers Eurovision part 24), and “Fire Mario Shoot the Goomba” (which is like “Video Killed the Radio Star” except it’s “Fire Mario Shoot the Goomba”). Sonic the Hedgehog and Shadow hosted.

Just so you know, we’re raising our kid right.

Anyway, at long last we’re ready to pick our notable numbers from this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

Legitimately Good Song

For our consideration
Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – “Start a Fire
Netherlands: The Common Linnets – “Calm After the Storm
Hungary: Kállay-Saunders András – “Running
Norway: Carl Espen – “Silent Storm
Georgia: The Shin and Mariko Ebralidze – “Three Minutes to Earth” (DO NOT ARGUE WITH US ON THIS)

Our pick: “Calm After the Storm.” Given how well “Calm After the Storm” did on the charts in Europe after the Grand Prix, it’s hard not to think that the Common Linnets were really joint winners of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. Conchita Wurst gets all the adulation and all of the winner’s responsibilities, and Ilse DeLange and Waylon can just rack up the gold records. It’s nice to see a terrific song so justly rewarded.

Campiest Performance

For our consideration

Russia: Tolmachevy Twins – “Shine
Poland: Donatan and Cleo – “My Slowianie
Romania: Paula Seling and Ovi – “Miracle
Spain: Ruth Lorenzo – “Dancing in the Rain

Our pick: “Miracle.” “Miracle” was utterly ridiculous. The Paula hologram, which was goofy, at least had an internal logic: she disintegrates into a million tiny pieces and reappears on the other side of the stage… IT’S A MIRACLE! The circular piano, on the other hand, looked stupid from the get-go, but it was outright hilarious when Ovi ducked in to “play” it. “Miracle” may not go down as an all-time camp classic, but it delivered the biggest unintentional laughs on the night.

Least Self-Aware

The only candidates for this one are Paula and Ovi. Their desperation to please made them blind to the silliness of their staging. They’re Eurovision veterans: they should have known better.

Biggest Misfire

For our consideration

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – “Start a Fire
Moldova: Cristina Scarlat – “Wild Soul
Romania: Paula Seling and Ovi – “Miracle
France: Twin Twin – “Moustache
Italy: Emma Marrone – “La Mia Cittá

Our pick: “Wild Soul.” There were a lot of strong candidates for this category. We’re going to pour our vitriol onto “Wild Soul.” The song wasn’t promising, yet it still fell way below expectations. It was a dark, muddled mess, seemingly endless and excruciating to endure.

Biggest Diva Performance

For our consideration

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen – “Undo
San Marino: Valentina Monetta – “Maybe (Forse)
Austria: Conchita Wurst – “Rise Like A Phoenix
Macedonia: Tijana Dapčević – “To the Sky
Spain: Ruth Lorenzo – “Dancing in the Rain

Our pick: “Rise Like a Phoenix.” Obviously.