Eurovision 2015 Superlatives

It’s time once again for us to bestow honor upon all of the songs that competed for this year’s Eurovision title. Everyone’s a winner, which we hope will make Austria and Germany feel better.

  • Most reassuring statement to a spelunker: “When you’re down, down low and there’s no place you can go/When you’re down, down low, you know that I am here for you” (Slovenia)
  • Annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: The dreaded number two slot
  • Best new motto for Israel tourism: “And before you leave, let us show you Tel Aviv”
  • Best application of film noir mise-en-scène: Estonia
  • Most “fun”: United Kingdom
  • Most diasporaspastastic: Armenia
  • Worst ability to control their adrenaline (or their hormones): Lithuania
  • Best song when the time has come for you to lip sync for your life: Serbia
  • Best emo interpretation of “The Monster Mash”: Norway
  • Most forgone conclusion: Sweden
  • Most sensitive ex-boyfriend: Cyprus
  • Most casual evening stroll through a dystopian urban landscape: Australia
  • Best template for Minecraft Eurovision: Belgium

Get on this, Stampy Cat!

  • German-speaking country that was least deserving of its fate: (tieAustria and Germany
  • Worst Eurovision Lemurs prediction: “It’s a solid, respectable staging for a solid, respectable song that should give the hosts a solid, respectable result in the voting.” (Austria)
  • Best ability to sing during a hurricane: Greece
  • Best new wedding dance craze: Montenegro
Courtesy of Eurovision Gifs

Courtesy of Eurovision Gifs

  • Best Rorschach test (or worst, depending on how you look at it): Germany
  • Most helpful household tip: Poland, showing everyone the best way to dry sheets
  • Greatest lung capacity: Latvia
  • Least effective plea to get someone to think of the children: Romania
  • Best pas-de-deux involving the Virgin Mary: Warrior Princess: Spain
  • Best call to go walk children in nature: Hungary
  • Best audition for the part of Zuul in the Ghostbusters reboot: Georgia
  • Best eleven o’clock number from Little Red Riding Hood: The Musical!Azerbaijan
  • Best performance under duress: Russia
  • Best rebound from a rough Semifinal performance: Albania
  • Best distillation of 400 years of Italian opera tradition into a three-minute pop song: Italy
  • Most likely to get there, popular: Sweden

But do hummingbirds even sing?

2 thoughts on “Eurovision 2015 Superlatives

  1. So meanwhile a big fuss is made over the split jury / televote results. Aparently Italy won the televote thing by a landslide, but the juries brought them down to third place. Time to brush off the good old “do we need juries or not” debate.

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