It’s time once again for Eurovision Lemurs to bestow honors on all of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final contestants. Everyone is a winner tonight, to the chagrin of the Spanish voting public.
- Winner of two tickets to the gun show: Israel (Imri – “I Feel Alive“)
- The Johanna “And then there’s a dolphin” award: Poland (Kasia Moś – “Flashlight“)
- Best mode of transportation to a steampunk winter wonderland in the clouds: Belarus (NAVI – “Historyja majho žyccia“)
- Most effective self-censorship: Austria (Nathan Trent – “Running On Air“)
- Handiest jive or jiviest hands: Armenia (Artsvik – “Fly With Me”)
- Best family bonding exercise: Netherlands (OG3NE – “Light and Shadow“)
- Best revival of the Running Man: Moldova (SunStroke Project – “Hey Mamma“)
- Best proof that rap can work at Eurovision: Hungary (Joci Pápai – “Origo“)
- Best fusion of human evolution and chakras: Italy (Francesco Gabbani – “Occidentali’s Karma“)
- The Anja Nissen Award for the artist we’d most like to see return to Eurovision with a better song: Denmark (Anja Nissen – “Where I Am“)
- Best throwback to when it was just a Song Contest: Portugal (Salvador Sobral – “Amar pelos dois“)
- Best musical representation of the plot to Equus: Azerbaijan (DiHaj – “Skeletons“)
- The Flygande Jacob award for two great tastes that shouldn’t taste great together but do: Croatia (Jacques Houdek – “My Friend“)
- The Maria Yaremchuck award for best use of an exercise toy for a caged rodent: Australia (Isaiah – “Don’t Come Easy)
- Best homage to Jedward’s “Waterline”: Greece (Demy – “This Is Love“)
- Best audition to be a Margaritaville house band: Spain (Manel Navarro – “Do It For Your Lover“)
- Best outfit choices for Kylo Ren and Hoban Washburne when they want to hit the club: Norway (JOWST feat. Aleksander Walmann – “Grab the Moment“)
- Best audition for the female lead in William and Kate: The Musical!: United Kingdom (Lucie Jones – “Never Give Up On You“)
- Most successful sobriety test: Cyprus (Hovig – “Gravity“)
- Best portrayal of the hope, the anticipation and then the ultimate disappointment of impotence (right down to the awkward kiss at the end): Romania (Ilinca featuring Alex Florea – “Yodel It!“)
- Best song in the 21st slot of the 2017 Eurovision Song Contest: Germany (Levina – “Perfect Life“)
- Most innovative way to shine a spotlight on the mosh pit: Ukraine (O.Torvald – “Time“)
- Winner of the Eurovision Staring Contest: Belgium (Blanche – “City Lights“)
- Best tribute to OK GO by frat boys: Sweden (Robin Bengtsson – “I Can’t Go On“)
- Best love theme to every movie adaptation of a young adult romance novel ever: Bulgaria (Kristian Kostov – “Beautiful Mess“)
- The annual award for the most successful theft of France’s thunder: the juries, who ranked “Requiem” in 18th place.
- Most likely to get there, popular: Portugal
Also, most innovative millinery fashion!
It’s time once again for us to pay tribute to the finalists in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest the best way we know how: with bitchy quips and references to Patty Duke and obscure 1950s sci-fi films.
- Most Successful Pastiche of Annie, Freddie Mercury & Frieda from Peanuts: Belgium
- Best 8-Bit Stage Design: Czech Republic
- Most Awkward 10 Seconds: Netherlands
- Best Use of Sale Items From Sports Authority’s Going Out of Business Sale: Azerbaijan
If this was an NFL team, it’d be called the Fire.
(Samra screenshot by Eurovision Lemurs)
- The Sigh, So Dreamy Oh You Were Singing Something Award: Hungary
- Best Array of Lawn Ornaments: Italy
- The Sparkle, Neely, Sparkle Award for Sparkle: Israel
- Best Innovation In Traffic Cop Uniform Technology: Bulgaria
- The Frans Award for Not Caring But Really Caring: Sweden
- Best Reason to Give Stefan Raab Millions of Euros to Run Your National Selection: Germany
- Most Successful Theft of Austria’s Thunder: France
- Best Tasting Schmaltz: Poland
- Best Musical Representation of What It Would Be Like to Be the Last Person to Own a Telephone: Australia
- Best Lupine Consolation Prize: Cyprus
- Most Creative Use of Bobby Pins: Serbia
What’s a grown woman doing with a bobby pin?
(Sanja Vučić screenshot by Eurovision Lemurs)
- Most Donny Performance: Lithuania
- The 3+2 Award for Best Use of Costuming to Distract You From a Mediocre Song: Croatia
- Most In Need of a Balloon Boy, As It Turns Out: Russia
- Most Gasp-Worthy Death Drop: Spain
- Second Best Eurovision Entry Ever Written By Aminata: Latvia
- Best Song That’s Not About the War That’s About the War That’s Not About the War: Ukraine
- Best Homage to The Brain That Wouldn’t Die: Malta
The Losco That Wouldn’t Die
(The Brain That Wouldn’t Die screenshot by Shock Till You Drop.
Ira Losco screenshot by Eurovision Lemurs)
- Best Depiction of a Bad LSD Trip: Georgia
- Best Depiction of a Good LSD Trip: Austria
- Best Theme to a Bromantic Comedy: United Kingdom
- Winner of Eurovision’s Swimsuit Competition: Armenia
- Most Likely to Get There, Popular: Ukraine
She is the winner of Eurovision! She is! She is!
(Samra screenshot by Eurovision Lemurs)
It’s time once again for us to bestow honor upon all of the songs that competed for this year’s Eurovision title. Everyone’s a winner, which we hope will make Austria and Germany feel better.
- Most reassuring statement to a spelunker: “When you’re down, down low and there’s no place you can go/When you’re down, down low, you know that I am here for you” (Slovenia)
- Annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: The dreaded number two slot
- Best new motto for Israel tourism: “And before you leave, let us show you Tel Aviv”
- Best application of film noir mise-en-scène: Estonia
- Most “fun”: United Kingdom
- Most diasporaspastastic: Armenia
- Worst ability to control their adrenaline (or their hormones): Lithuania
- Best song when the time has come for you to lip sync for your life: Serbia
- Best emo interpretation of “The Monster Mash”: Norway
- Most forgone conclusion: Sweden
- Most sensitive ex-boyfriend: Cyprus
- Most casual evening stroll through a dystopian urban landscape: Australia
- Best template for Minecraft Eurovision: Belgium
- German-speaking country that was least deserving of its fate: (tie) Austria and Germany
- Worst Eurovision Lemurs prediction: “It’s a solid, respectable staging for a solid, respectable song that should give the hosts a solid, respectable result in the voting.” (Austria)
- Best ability to sing during a hurricane: Greece
- Best new wedding dance craze: Montenegro
Courtesy of Eurovision Gifs
- Best Rorschach test (or worst, depending on how you look at it): Germany
- Most helpful household tip: Poland, showing everyone the best way to dry sheets
- Greatest lung capacity: Latvia
- Least effective plea to get someone to think of the children: Romania
- Best pas-de-deux involving the Virgin Mary: Warrior Princess: Spain
- Best call to go walk children in nature: Hungary
- Best audition for the part of Zuul in the Ghostbusters reboot: Georgia
- Best eleven o’clock number from Little Red Riding Hood: The Musical!: Azerbaijan
- Best performance under duress: Russia
- Best rebound from a rough Semifinal performance: Albania
- Best distillation of 400 years of Italian opera tradition into a three-minute pop song: Italy
- Most likely to get there, popular: Sweden
But do hummingbirds even sing?
It’s time once again for us to bestow honor on all of the songs that made it to the Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final this year. Everyone’s a winner, which is good news for France.
- The “Yay, no rhyming couplets” award: hosts Lise Rønne, Nikolaj Koppel and Pilou Asbæk.
- Kseniya Simonova award for best use of a gimmick to distract you from a mediocre song: Ukraine.
- The Inigo Montoya award for the repeated use of a phrase that does not mean what they think it means: Belarus.
- Best tribute to the Big Apple Circus: Azerbaijan.
- Funkiest member of Parliament since George Clinton: Óttarr Proppé from Iceland.
- The award for what it sounds like when bears cry: Norway.
- The Other Svetlana Loboda Award for “more is more” staging: Romania.
- Most ironic staging given the song title: Armenia.
- Best tourism video for the planet Pandora: Montenegro.
Sergej Ćetković visits his Na’vi friends
(image from SFT)
- Most persuasive argument for churning your own butter: Poland.
- Best representation of our internal monologue when we bake a soufflé: Greece.
- Best tribute to successful urban planning in Arizona: Austria.
- Best Susan Powter impersonator: Elżbieta from Germany (“Is it right to stop the madness?”)
- Best Fortress of Solitude: Sweden.
- Annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: Every participating member of the Eurovision Broadcasting Union except Sweden and Finland.
- Best depiction of a bright, beautiful Soviet future: Russia.
- Fail Caesar award: Italy.
- Best cross between Glinda the Good Witch and Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull: Slovenia.
- Act with the best excuse to play hooky from school: Finland.
- Best Fredi and Friends tribute: Finland.
- Best representation of the plain where the rain mainly falls: Spain.
- Best multitasker: Switzerland. (He whistles! He fiddles! He bangs on the drums!)
- The “thank god Poland didn’t stage this” award: Hungary.
- Second best country song on the night: Malta.
- Best depiction of what Smokey Joe’s Cafe would look like if Bruno Mars joined the cast: Denmark.
- The “Shania Twain wishes she were this authentic” award: Netherlands.
- Pluckiest country: plucky little San Marino.
- Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber award for best composer cameo: Ralph Siegel, San Marino.
- Amaury Vassili award for wettest squib: United Kingdom.
- Most likely to get there, popular: Austria
The Eurovision Song Contest is over for 2013, but we like to keep its spirit going a little longer by handing out awards to all of the acts that participated in the Final. We were tempted to expand the Superlatives out to the Semis so we could give Israel the Donny Montell award for best use of a Bedazzler. But considering we were giving out awards to 26 countries and spent hours agonizing over what to give Romania, we thought it was best to stick with the finalists.
- Best song cut from Chess: the new Eurovision anthem “We Write the Story”
- The annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: the Swedish producers
- Most expressive eyebrows: Lithuania
- Most comprehensive representation of Earth’s four core elements: Moldova
- Greatest paragon of restraint and subtlety: Finland
- Worst act to inspire Spain: Dervish, Eurovision 2007
- Best post-performance celebration: Belgium
- Best use of a shower curtain: Birgit’s dress, Estonia
- Best choreography you can try at home: Belarus
- Best musical representation of the premise to the sitcom Dharma & Greg: Malta
- Ballsiest performance: Russia
We decided to avoid the Rovers reference
- #MILFiest performance (or if you watched on BBC One, #M***iest performance): Natalie Horler of Cascada, Germany
- Best voguing: Armenia
Strike a pose
- Best musical representation of the plot to an Alfred Hitchcock movie: Netherlands
- The first annual Cezar award for the performance that left us speechless: Romania
- Best Journey to the Heaviside Layer: United Kingdom
- Song Luke Skywalker is most likely to sing to Obi-Wan Kenobi: Sweden (see, because the costumes make them look like they’re on Tattooine… okay, it’s a stretch)
- Most sensitive hipster: Hungary
- Best synthesis of Eurovision tropes (tin whistle, drums, bare feet, Azerbaijani shower, confetti, socially conscious lyrics): Denmark – no wind machine, but you don’t want to blow confetti into fireworks showers
- Best Viking Jesus: Iceland
Dreamy, Dreamy Thor
- The Kseniya Simonova award for best use of a gimmick to distract you from a mediocre song: Azerbaijan
- Song we’re most thrilled our four-year-old likes to sing at school: Greece
- Best song cut from Wicked: Ukraine
- Most likely to boil down a Eurovision performance to its essentials: Italy
- Best future Bond movie theme: Norway
- Biggest Eurogasm: Georgia
- Andy Abraham award for entry least deserving of its fate: Ireland
- Worst Graham Norton prediction: “There must be some nervous people in Ireland, because that could win.”
- Most damage to his Eurovision legacy: Eric Saade #awkward
- Most likely to get there, popular: Denmark
The Eurovision Song Contest is over for 2012, so it’s time for Eurovision Lemurs to hand out our annual superlatives. To make Tooji feel better, everyone’s a winner tonight.
- Best use of the pyro Bulgaria ended up not needing for the final: United Kingdom
- Best performance by an act you forgot about later: Hungary
- Best way to order a chai at Starbucks: Albania (Thanks to eurovicious)
- Best use of a Bedazzler: Lithuania
- Best shout out to Alexis Carrington: Bosnia and Herzegovina
- Most adorable grannies, oh my god they are so fucking CUTE, THEY BAKED COOKIES!!!!!: Russia
- Best use of a Jonsi outside of Sigur Ros: Iceland
- Best tribute to Nomi Malone: Cyprus
- Best tribute to Jane Russell in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: France
- The annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: Italy
- The Eric Saade Award for most palpable sense of relief at the end of the song: Estonia
- Worst birthday present: Tooji from Norway’s last place performance
- Best continuation of a proud tradition of bombing at Eurovision: Norway
- Best Hunger Games reference: Azerbaijan’s dress
- Best musical representation of the premise for The Big Bang Theory: Romania
- Best epaulets: Denmark
- The Svetlana Loboda Award for least subtle sexual innuendo: Greece
- Most likely to get there, popular: Sweden this time
- Best Hammer dance: Sweden
- Best 38 seconds of work: Sweden’s back-up dancer
- The First Annual Can Bonomo Award for most bad-ass staging: Turkey
- The Jóhanna Award for best performance by country that wants to do well without actually winning: Spain
- Biggest Eurogasm: Spain
- Best song the United Kingdom should have entered: Germany
- Biggest hint to the BBC that they should reconsider how they pick their Eurovision entries: Germany for the past three years
- Most adorable performer who isn’t a Russian granny: Germany
- Largest, most expressive feet: Malta
- Best scream: FYR Macedonia
- Best tribute to Metropolis: Ireland
- The Amaury Vassili Award for wettest squib: Ireland
- Best performance by Eurovision royalty who really deserves a better fate: Serbia
- The Other Svetlana Loboda Award for “more is more” staging: Ukraine
- Best impression of the Squirrel Nut Zippers by a Colin Ferrell impersonator: Moldova
The Eurovision Song Contest is over for 2011, so it’s time for Eurovision Lemurs to hand out our superlatives. In the spirit of fair play and all that, everyone’s a winner tonight.
- Most pinchable cheeks: Paradise Oskar, Finland
- Most SITO: Dino Merlin, Bosnia & Herzegovina
- Worst attack by moths: A Friend In London’s Tim Schou’s shirt, Denmark
- Best language change: Evelina Sašenko, Lithuania
- Most delicious wearable plum tart: Kati Wolf, Hungary
- Most Jedwardian performance: Jedward, Ireland
- Most palpable sense of relief at the end of the song: Eric Saade, Sweden
- Poorest understanding of Manhattan street names and landmarks: Getter Jaani, Estonia
- Best save of a really awful song: Loukas Giorkas, Greece
- Most learned rapper: Professor Stereo Mike, Greece
- Most indulgent performance, Warsaw Pact edition: Alexey Vorobyov, Russia
- Wettest squib: Amaury Vassili, France
- Most splenderai! Splenderai! Splenderai!: Raphael Gualazzi, Italy
- Best performance by an American actress: Claire Danes, Switzerland
- Worst Graham Norton prediction: “This could be one of the dark horses in the competition” in regards to Switzerland
- Most indulgent performance, NATO edition: Blue, United Kingdom
- Most annoyed that Blue downplayed the “Oooh” in “I Can,” thus depriving him of being able to hand out the Story of Oooh award: this writer
- Quite maddest performance: Zdob şi Zdub, Moldova
- Best headwear: Zdob şi Zdub, Moldova
- Best tribute to Woody Allen’s “Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)”: Lena, Germany
- Most annoyingly chipper performance: (TIE) Hotel FM, Romania & Lucía Pérez, Spain
- Biggest voice: Nadine Beiler, Austria
- MILFiest performer: Nikki, Azerbaijan
- JLOiest performer: Nikki, Azerbaijan
- Most likely to get there, popular: Azerbaijan, as it turns out
- Best use of the staging that Azerbaijan should have used for Safura: Maja Keuc, Slovenia
- Most creepily prescient lyrics: Sjónni’s Friends, Iceland
- Best Ricky Gervais impersonator: Matti Matt from Sjónni’s Friends, Iceland
- Best use of a gimmick to distract you from a mediocre song: Sand artist Kseniya Simonova, Ukraine
- Song most likely to become a “Crystal Light” advertisement: “Angel” by Ukraine’s Queen of Soundtracks, Mika Newton
- Most distracting LED graphics: Nina, Serbia
- The Austin Powers Yeah Baby award for swankest performance: Nina, Serbia
- Most likely to make the Mortal Kombat soundtrack: Eldrine, Georgia
- Most interesting array of noses: Eldrine, Georgia
2010 was not a good year for the Lemur household, but at least the Eurovision Song Contest was really fun. I mean, except for the part when the United Kingdom performed.
- Best 100-yard dash in three-inch heels while singing: Azerbaijan
- Most professional reaction to a gate-crasher: Spain
- Best song cut from Titanic: Norway
- Best meme: Moldova
- Second best singer-songwriter entry: Cyprus
- Best Google-translated lyrics: Bosnia and Herzegovina
- Best singer-songwriter entry: Belgium
- Best homage to This Is Spinal Tap: Serbia
- Least impressive “Featuring” credit: Belarus
- Best periodic reminder of how tough it is to win a second Eurovision title: Ireland
- Act most likely to smell of barbecued lamb: Greece
- The “At least it wasn’t nul point” award: United Kingdom
- The “Just let poor Sofia Nizharadze sing already” award: Georgia
- Best Eurovision Song Contest entry that manufactured sparks: Turkey
- Best back-up singers: Albania
- Best bounce: Iceland
- Best angel of death: Ukraine
- Annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: the former Soviet Union countries, none of whom gave France any points
- Best musical representation of the premise for the TV show The Avengers: Romania
- Best send-up of the Russian soul: Russia
- Least magnificent apricot tree: Armenia
- Best approximation of an English accent: Germany
- Song most likely to be served with lobster Thermidor and a Pink Lady: Portugal
- Most palindromic song title: Israel
- Nico & Vlad award for singers who don’t appear to actually get along with each other: Denmark
- Greatest Eurogasm: Denmark
- Worst consequence of Jimmy Jump’s cameo appearance earlier in the show: Spain’s second chance
- Most likely to get there, popular: Germany
Originally published 2 October 2015
We have warm memories of the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest. It’s a high water mark for the Contest, chock full of great songs and amazing performances (and also whatever the hell it was that Belgium and Czech Republic sent). Plus, it was also the first time we hosted a Eurovision party. We’ve been getting our friends hooked on it ever since.
We did a Superlatives post for the 2009 Semifinal, but for some reason we never followed up with one for the Final. Let’s rectify that now.
- Best Alicia Keys impression: Lithuania
- Most genuine plea for peace, love, and understanding: Israel
- “Move and let me show you how it’s done” award: France
- Singer who is clearly the most happy to be there: Malena Ernman, Sweden
- Weirdly oiliest performance: Croatia
- Most joyful acid trip: Portugal
- “And then there’s a dolphin” award for most random background image: Iceland
- Least necessary shirt: Greece
- Best Armenians with frickin’ laser beams: Armenia
- Staging that best captures how we feel watching the performance (see, because it gets old fast): Russia
- Most eyerolls: Azerbaijan (seven)
- Best mash-up of American, Russian and French Revolution iconography: Bosnia and Herzegovina
- Least utilized guy with a staff: Moldova
- Most intergalactic: Malta
- Most planetary: Estonia
- The Eric Saade Award for most palpable sense of relief at the end of the song: Denmark
- Best reason to completely reevaluate what you want from the Eurovision Song Contest: Germany
- Tina Karol Award for best Shakira impression: Turkey
- Kejsi Tola Award for best Disco Gumby: Albania
- Most foregone conclusion: Norway
- The Svetlana Loboda Award for least subtle sexual innuendo: Ukraine
- The Other Svetlana Loboda Award for “more is more” staging: Ukraine
- Best performance by wood nymphs on a hen do: Romania
- Best audition for Sugababes: United Kingdom
- Most schlagerrifc urban blight: Finland
- Best cover of the 2005 Macedonian entry: Spain
- Most likely to get there, popular: Norway
Originally published 30 September 2015
The 2008 Eurovision Song Contest seems to have been the last gasp of the properly jokey entries, at least in the Final. Some may lament how serious Eurovision has gotten, but we say, watch “Wolves of the Sea” and tell us that is something that’s missing from the Song Contest.
- Best unintentional musical representation of the premise for The War of the Roses: Romania
- Andy Abraham award for entry least deserving of its fate: United Kingdom
- Act most in need of back-up singers: Albania
- Dervish Award for tone-deaf vocals: Germany
- Best casting choice for Elaine in the Armenian remake of Seinfeld: Armenia
- Most Dadaist Eurovision entry ever: Bosnia and Herzegovina
- Best use of silver lamé to accentuate chiseled biceps: Israel
- Best reminder that Finland won with Lordi: Finland
- This award goes out to a gang-bangin’ player who ain’t with us no more: 75 Cents, Croatia
- Best tan: Poland
- Most anthemic anthem: Iceland
- Must not make “Deli” Turkey joke award: Turkey
- Award for telling that hurricane who’s boss: Portugal
- Best reason to walk the plank: Latvia
- Best drag impersonation of Charlotte Perrelli: Sweden
- Pushiest demand to celebrate good times: Denmark
- Best costume change: Georgia
- Best song that didn’t win Eurovision: Ukraine
- Annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: The cameraman
- Best recap of a Dan Brown novel: Azerbaijan
- Perkiest call for abstinence: Greece
- Best dance tutorial: Spain
- Best attempt to not win Eurovision while not embarrassing themselves in the process: Serbia
- The platinum medal for best strategic Plushy deployment: Russia
- Worst lyric ever, not just in Eurovision history but in the history of all music: “Love can be hard sometimes/Yes, it can catch you off guard like bad crimes”, Norway
- Most likely to get there, popular: Russia
Originally published 28 September 2015