Last Year's Winner

Helena, the singer who won Eurovision last year, is performing her winning song, “My Number One.” It’s like Anastasia singing a Britney Spears rip-off written by an Eastern Mediterranean songwriter. Must have been a weak year in 2005.

Opening Number

Feel the rhythm, y’all, it’s Eurovision time! The crowd goes wild as the opening number kicks in. As the 2004 Summer Olympics proved, no one does opening numbers like the Greeks. The song is awful, with lyrics like “Praise the man who raised his voice” and “Praise the resonating winds,” but it’s still better than the song from the Netherlands.

Tonight’s hosts are floating to the stage from across the arena on wires right now. The female host, Maria Menounos, is an American who speaks fluent Greek, while the male host, Sakis Rouvasis, is an actual Greek. He once came in third at Eurovision.

Tonight's Eurovision Running Order

  1. Switzerland (six4one: “If We All Give a Little”)
  2. Moldova (Arsenium and Natalia Gordienko: “Loca”)
  3. Israel (Eddie Butler: “Together We Are One”)
  4. Latvia (Cosmos: “I Hear Your Heart”)
  5. Norway (Christine Guldbrandsen: “Alvedansen”)
  6. Spain (Las Ketchup: “Bloody Mary”)
  7. Malta (Fabrizio Faniello: “I Do”)
  8. Germany (Texas Lightning: “No No Never”)
  9. Denmark (Sidsel Ben Semmane: “Twist of Love”)
  10. Russia (Dima: “Never Let You Go”)
  11. Macedonia (Elena Risteska: “Ninanajna”)
  12. Romania (Mihai Traistariu: “Tornero”)
  13. Bosnia and Herzegovina (Hari Mata Hari: “Lejla”)
  14. Lithuania (LT United: “We Are the Winners”)
  15. United Kingdom (Daz Sampson: “Teenage Life”)
  16. Greece (Anna Vissi: “Everything”)
  17. Finland (Lordi: “Hard Rock Hallelujah”)
  18. Ukraine (Tina Karol: “Show Me Your Love”)
  19. France (Virginie Pouchain: “Il Était Temps”)
  20. Croatia (Severina: “Moja Štikla”)
  21. Ireland (Brian Kennedy: “Every Song Is a Cry for Love”)
  22. Sweden (Carola: “Invincible”)
  23. Turkey (Sibel Tüzün: “Süperstar”)
  24. Armenia (Andre: “Without Your Love”)

The Semi-Final Winners

Those who had the free pass to the final (the numbers refer to the spot each entry will perform in on Saturday):
1. Switzerland (six4one: “If We All Give a Little”)
2. Moldova (Arsenium and Natalia Gordienko: “Loca”)
3. Israel (Eddie Butler: “Together We Are One”)
4. Latvia (Cosmos: “I Hear Your Heart”)
5. Norway (Christine Guldbrandsen: “Alvedansen”)
6. Spain (Las Ketchup: “Bloody Mary”)
7. Malta (Fabrizio Faniello: “I Do”)
8. Germany (Texas Lightning: “No No Never” – It’s a country tune. From Germany. I blame Stefan Raab.)
9. Denmark (Sidsel Ben Semmane: “Twist of Love”)
12. Romania (Mihai Traistariu: “Tornero”)
15. United Kingdom (Daz Sampson: “Teenage Life”)
16. Greece (Anna Vissi: “Everything”)
19. France (Virginie Pouchain: “Il Était Temps”)
20. Croatia (Severina: “Moja Štikla”)

Joining them…
10. Russia
11. Macedonia
13. Bosnia and Herzegovina (Awesome!)
14. Lithuania (Some booing over than choice)
17. Finland (YES!!!!)
18. Ukraine
21. Ireland (The country with the most wins, by the way)
22. Sweden
23. Turkey (Sweet!)
24. Armenia

23. Iceland – Silva Night: "Congratulations"

This sounds exactly like “Oops! I Did It Again.” Which is intentional. It’s another “I am totally going win Eurovision” song. It pales in comparison to the Lithuania song, but it does have the lyrics “Congratulations, I have arrived” and “You’ve been waiting forever for me to save you.” The singer is actively annoying, though. And in the middle, she calls God to tell him she’s saving the world. The crowd is booing her pretty hard, and why not?

21. ESTONIA!!!! – Sandra: "Through My Window"

Wow, another ABBA-esque beginning. And another collection of ’80s-influenced outfits. R.U.F.F.U.S. was right: the ’80s are coming back. This is awful, but I love Estonia, so I’m giving it a pass. The singer has the old WCW Championship belt on for some reason. I’m waiting for Goldberg’s music to start. Nope, still a crappy ABBA rip-off. In fact, Estonia out-ABBAed Sweden this year. That ain’t right, but since it’s Estonia, I don’t want to be right.

[NOTE: The singer is from Sweden, but she’s performing for Estonia. I’ve removed one exclamation point from the headline to this post as punishment.]

20. Sweden – Carola: "Invincible"

Well, of COURSE, Sweden’s entry sounds like ABBA. It ALWAYS sounds like ABBA. The singer has a long flowing train on her coat and the strongest jawline I’ve seen tonight. The song sucks, but it rhymes “invincible” with “insatiable,” so it’s got that going for it.